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My Double Life

“You can’t fight to stay the same and be dedicated to becoming better.” -Sarah Jakes Roberts
I’ve been on a journey of complete and utter transformation. Or at least I thought I was. I’ve wanted to change for a really long time. I knew that my life wasn’t great. I was making bad decisions and ruining every good thing. I’ve been destructive. Nevertheless, I’ve wanted to change. Here’s the problem, I’ve also been fighting to stay the same.
Have you ever felt like you had two people inside of you? I know we all have seen the visual of the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other. It’s usually comical. But have you ever felt the severity of that same fight but only its inside of you? For so long I couldn’t articulate the struggle that’s been happening in my life. But today its clear. Shadowboxing. I’ve been shadowboxing. I’ve been living under my own rules and I’ve been “solely” dedicated to living God’s word. Am I completely psycho? I have to be. I’ve been deceiving myself and making life harder on me. It’s impossible to serve God and disobey Him in the same breath. But I made it okay.
“The most common way we deceive ourselves is that we rationalize our disobedience.” -Bishop Michael V. Kelsey Sr.
Deception. I’ve been living a double life. I’m not even sure that I had fully disclosed this to myself. I can honestly say that I had convinced myself that I was stuck. I was convinced that I WAS trying my best and nothing was happening. Thinking maybe God had me here for a reason. Or that maybe He gave up on me. I was convinced.
“We have completely convinced ourselves that we are stuck.” -Minister Natoya Coleman

Today I have chosen to rewrite the story. You see, the script that I was following had to be thrown out. It had to be burned. Here’s why, God gave me permission to change. He exposed my true character to me and those closest to me and then gave me the chance to change. See, we are so hard on ourselves. We tell ourselves that we’ve messed up so bad that there is no more time. Thats not what God said. He gave us a break. So today, I am taking that break. I am moving forward. No more double lives. That junk is tiring. I am only dedicated to becoming better and leaving a trail of breadcrumbs behind for the next 25 year old feeling the weight of inadequacy and rejection. Let me tell you if no one has, you have it in you. He put it there when He formed you in your mothers womb. AMEN.

Comments

  1. 2ndChild7January 13, 2015 at 11:04 AM

    This is Great Tika! And Sooo Helping this 45 yr old too!! Keep blogging, Hurting and Stuck people need this!!

    ReplyDelete

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