Forgiving Self

“For millions of people, not every prison comes with a set of bars.”-R.A. Clark

I had an idea about what forgiveness was. I thought it was moving on from any situation in which you’d been hurt. I was so off. One day I realized that I had a grocery list of unforgiveness. Not the week to week list; its that list that you make after not having been to the store in months because life got in the way. The refrigerator is bare. The only thing occupying it is baking soda, spoiled milk, and a stick of butter.

When I looked around, the bare refrigerator paralleled my soul and when I looked at the long list, instead of food items being written there, I saw names. The offenses next to the names had at least 3 sub points. I was keeping score of every time I was hurt by each person. Interestingly enough, the record wasn't destroying the offenders, it was poisoning me.

Something had to change. Transformation was necessary to my survival. I started asking questions to those that I knew didn't have my struggle and the responses I received in reference were life defining. Below are a few.

“Pray for them. It's ok to start with a monotone " bless'em Jesus". You develop a supernatural compassion for them. I promise you, as you pray, God will work on you. Your prayers will come from a sincere desire to see them blessed. "

"I forgive others because I know I haven’t always treated people the way I want to be treated and I would want to be forgiven. And also because of the sheer and utter confusion people have when they realize that I keep forgiving them when they know they have wronged me. Mostly, the Holy Spirit helps me to forgive and love unconditionally."

Those are just a few words received but they were all equally encouraging. Yet the thing that has helped most on this journey was a book called, “When God stopped keeping score”. The main focus is that forgiveness for self. Now, I’ve heard this many times before but the way the author explains it is not by saying the cliche, “forgiveness is more for you that the person.” He explains that above all, you’ll need to forgive yourself.

Most of the time, when you start keeping score, or a grocery list, you’re less upset with the offender and more so with yourself for being offended in the first place. That has been my reality. It’s why I’ve only been hurt by a few people, however I have let them hurt me over and over again. Ever wonder why you get stuck in a cycle with a person? Why do you let THIS person hurt you every single time? R.A. Clark answered that for me. It’s a daily effort for me not to keep score. Forgive the offenses you have against others. Holding on won’t do you any good. You hold the key to your prison of unforgiveness. Why not set yourself free?