"My name is Shawntika and I am a...."

"Do you trust yourself enough, have enough self-worth to believe that someone would be with you if you don't make them do it?"

-Dr. Phil

As time progresses, my blog is becoming more and more personal. So as I was considering this post, I got a little scared. I started wondering what you guys would think of me. What would people be saying behind my back? How will they start to look at me? How badly will I be talked about? And then, it became more and more clear that I needed to write this. And the reason is simple. I am a control freak. I mean, even in my hesitation to write this, I was being controlling. Because if I could, I would control how you receive everything I am writing.

You see, I’ve learned in my 25 years on this earth that exposing your battles, makes fighting them easier. Think about it, how hard would it be for Mayweather and Pacquiao to box is the venue was black. No lights. All they know is someone is across from them trying to rip their head off. And also, people wouldn’t be paying hundreds of dollars to watch that match. I’ve learned that fighting your battles in the light means you see your opponent, face them head on, and others draw strength from the win that God himself has already designed.

With that said, I am exposing my current battle.

Hi, my name is Shawntika and I am a control freak. I mean, I am top of the line. The freak of all control freaks. If things aren’t happening in the order I have set, I fall apart. If people are not responding to me the way I intended, I break down. And if someone around me is hurting and I can’t make it better, I have failed. Yea, I’m also a fixer. Just call me Olivia Pope.

So once again, as in most of my posts, I have NO answer to this issue. All I know is, this morning, I picked up my laptop and searched “how to stop being controlling.” The first thing that caught my attention was this quote from Dr. Phil. "We get to thinking we're the center of the universe and everyone's watching, so we hold ourselves to really high standards for fear of judgment." I instantly got sick. Yea. Like nauseous. That’s me. I WEAR MYSELF OUT trying to reach a level in life where I am blameless and untouchable. What kills me the most is knowing that there is no place as such to reach. Mistakes happen. People disagree. Bad days happen. Things don’t go as planned. Accidents occur. Things break. And guess what?... Life goes on.

So where does this leave me and all of my control issues???

A few months back, I think, a friend of mine told me,  “throw the frisbee and let it go where it goes. Take the rope off of the frisbee that you have attached to it in fear of it landing somewhere that you have not chosen. Just throw it. You never know where it might end up.”

I understood the metaphor very well back then. But I was  not ready for what the truth behind that metaphor entailed. Because I blocked out her advice, I’ve made countless mistakes and possibly ruined that particular friendship. It could be beyond repair. I may have decided to take the rope off entirely too late. But if I haven’t. If there is hope, let it be known that I am in the right place at this point. I am open to learn a new way a life. A life free of condemnation. Free of a life built to be inerrant. No ropes. No strings. *inhales deeply, exhales slowly, throws frisbee*

Why am I exposing this pride-filled battle? Because I need you all to pray for me as I am praying for all of those who are able to identify with me. This is not a battle to be fought in hiding. The darkness will only feed it. So I am challenging my fellow controllers, will you throw your frisbees? Because in my spirit I see frisbees flying free across the world. Or maybe those are just all of mine being released.