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Witness Protection


I have this crazy obsession with strength. Physical. Mental. Emotional. And when I say obsession I mean, addiction. This true kind. The kind that frowns upon any form of weakness. Maybe it’s because as a child I found myself in many helpless situations. And I won’t go into detail but I have a story that is typical. The story of a girl raised by a single “sometimes-working-a-double-to-feed-me” mom and somewhat by a fairytale stepdad and absent birth father. People coming in and out of my life and in and out of my house. There wasn’t a lot of protection surrounding me. Anyway…that’s why as an adult, strength has become my main focus.

Physical.

I’ll lift anything on my own. If I see anyone carrying anything and it seems that they are struggling I will take it. I'll hold doors for the person in from of me with 2 bags while I carry 5 bags. I never ever ask for help. The few times that I have had to move, I never asked for help. That was dumb. I was sore every single time. But I have to be strong. I have to do it on my own. I have to lift it all on my own. I have to carry and shoulder the weight. The problem is, my need to display my physical strength shuts people out.

Mental.

If there is a question asked and  I could possibly be wrong, I won’t answer. I read as much as I can. I learn as much as I can. I ask all questions. I’ve heard that I ask too many. That could be true. But I want to know everything. Not in hopes to be the smartest. But mental strength is personal to me. I want and need to know. The problem is, even if I know, I'm never sure so I shrink to the background.

Emotional.

Now this one…I cannot seem to master. Why is that? Possibly because my obsession and addiction to strength takes me on an emotional ride that never ends. It’s not fair to put myself through so much strain to be strong. What I’ve figured out is, my obsession with strength renders me weak. I resist any road that leads to being weak when in reality…weakness is what has me captive.

This realization has me on a search. But, am I on this search because I am trying to find strength or extract weakness? I’m back on the rollercoaster and it’s driving me crazy. I’m begging the attendant for an emergency stop. “LET ME OFF! I WANT OFF!” I want to be obsessed with living, not training myself to be strong so that I can redeem what I lost during my childhood. They all forgot to protect me…but thats not on me to fix.

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