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Trying to Find My Way Back

"Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back."
-Robert Frost

2016 was not a bad year for me. Maybe because God shined his grace upon me. 2013 was my year of hell…and I think he knew mercy was needed. (insert hysterical laugh). Although 2016 wasn’t as painful for me as most, 2017 has been just what I’ve needed. A reawakening. A reigniting. I mean, there’s no fire blazing from within, but I have logically decided to do better.

First, I started a fast with two of my coworkers. And let me just say, whomever decided that life without bread was acceptable is cruel. I’ve found myself crying out to the Lord asking him, “why hast thou forsaken me?” Soon I’ll start telling people to call me Mara. Forgive me for my bible college humor but I’ll have to put that student loan to use somehow. Ok…so… this fast has literally been the cleansing I’ve needed. I feel connected and energized as well as focused. And I am grateful for the accountability I have found in my friends. Healthy eating has no longer become about weight loss, but that is a major plus.

Second, I went back to the church choir. It’s only been one Sunday, but if you know my story, you know how hard that was for me. Remember a couple blogs ago when I talked about how I was looking for something but had no clue what it was or how I could find it? Well… I still haven’t found it. But I know this is the first step. Although 2016 wasn’t a bad year, it was the year of me losing myself. Yet in losing myself, I was having a blast. I was doing all the things I missed out on. You see, growing up in church, I never strayed. Which is rare. Most of my peers in ministry strayed in high school or college. Well, fresh out of high school, I was enrolled in Bible College. Acting out for us bible scholars included watching “One Tree Hill” and attending churches where women pastored.


So, here I am, in 2017, trying to get back on track. And although I have no game plan, I know that I went off track that moment I left the choir stand. I don’t know. Maybe the oil is heavier up there. Or maybe I was accountable to more than just myself. Whatever the case is, I found a starting point. And like most of my blogs, I have no resolution. But when I reach one, and I will, you'll be the first to know.

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